Money and relationships: A guide to a healthy three-way relationship
At some point in any relationship you will have to confront the big question of a threesome. That's you, your other half and money. Because it is impossible to live without and impossible to ignore, money has the potential to become a thorn in the side of even the strongest partnership.
Joint finances may start smoothly but if one of you loses your job or children add further demands to your budget, it can lead to problems. Marriage guidance and relationship experts at Relate see 130,000 clients every year. They say that money is the biggest cause of marital rows with twice as many couples arguing about money than sex. Unsurprisingly, they found that rows about money are far more likely to happen if you have a low income and young children and that most arguments about money come down to spending priorities.
Open up
Corinne Sweet is the author of Stop Fighting About Money: How Money Can Make or Break Your Relationship. She fears that relationships can collapse because partners do not discuss their attitudes to cash. 'We haven't really learnt a language in which to negotiate about money,' she says. 'So, on the whole, couples just muddle along while all sorts of resentments build up.'
Some people find talking about money uncomfortable. But that does not mean you should put off a financial plan indefinitely. If you are living together then you will need to be honest about how much you can contribute and whether you feel happy to pay more if you earn more. Sweet urges the higher earner to avoid using money as a power tool, especially if that person is female. It's no good expecting one person to do the cleaning because the other is paying more. It shouldn't get to the stage where one of you is asking for pocket money to go to the pub.
Set aside time together to discuss financial goals and set up a kitty. Then decide whether you want to open a joint account so that your monthly expenses are paid by direct debit. It's not romantic but it could avoid red bills and resentment.
Debt rescue
Couples in love may find that they are financially in tune, too. But it is important to find out at an early stage whether you are with a spender or a saver, particularly if you plan to open a joint account. If you or your partner has debts, now is the time to own up so that you can formulate a plan for repayment. You don't have to feel responsible for someone else's debt but you could help each other be disciplined about paying them off and getting your finances straight. Hiding loans and credit card bills from your partner will lead to stress. The other good reason for this is that if one of you has a poor credit history, there is a chance it will affect the credit rating of anyone living at the same address. Get copies of your credit reference files to see the full picture.
Research by Payplan, a free debt advice and management provider, showed that almost two in five couples blamed money issues as a significant factor in breaking up their relationship. And more than half the respondents said they would postpone or cancel the wedding if they found out that their mate was £30,000 or more in debt.
Team work
Compromise is key. Whether it's the blue paint or the green, Chinese or Indian takeaway, we all have to learn to love - or at least respect - the likes and dislikes of our partner. The same applies to money and how they spend it. Providing they are not breaking their side of the bargain on the plans you have agreed together, then they will probably spend a certain amount of disposable income on things they enjoy. If your husband blows some of his savings on football or fishing or if your wife decides she needs another pair of shoes then who are you to argue.
Turn a threesome into a foursome
Julia Cole of Relate recommends a 'four accounts' system as a way of giving both individual freedom and a joint commitment. Each partner has their own individual account and their own amount of money to spend on whatever they want ('otherwise you feel you have lost yourself somehow'), and then there is a joint savings account and a joint account for shared outgoings such as the mortgage and food. The 'four accounts' approach is a very practical solution. But couples need to decide which particular formula suits them.
At some point in any relationship you will have to confront the big question of a threesome. That's you, your other half and money. Because it is impossible to live without and impossible to ignore, money has the potential to become a thorn in the side of even the strongest partnership.
Joint finances may start smoothly but if one of you loses your job or children add further demands to your budget, it can lead to problems. Marriage guidance and relationship experts at Relate see 130,000 clients every year. They say that money is the biggest cause of marital rows with twice as many couples arguing about money than sex. Unsurprisingly, they found that rows about money are far more likely to happen if you have a low income and young children and that most arguments about money come down to spending priorities.
Open up
Corinne Sweet is the author of Stop Fighting About Money: How Money Can Make or Break Your Relationship. She fears that relationships can collapse because partners do not discuss their attitudes to cash. 'We haven't really learnt a language in which to negotiate about money,' she says. 'So, on the whole, couples just muddle along while all sorts of resentments build up.'
Some people find talking about money uncomfortable. But that does not mean you should put off a financial plan indefinitely. If you are living together then you will need to be honest about how much you can contribute and whether you feel happy to pay more if you earn more. Sweet urges the higher earner to avoid using money as a power tool, especially if that person is female. It's no good expecting one person to do the cleaning because the other is paying more. It shouldn't get to the stage where one of you is asking for pocket money to go to the pub.
Set aside time together to discuss financial goals and set up a kitty. Then decide whether you want to open a joint account so that your monthly expenses are paid by direct debit. It's not romantic but it could avoid red bills and resentment.
Debt rescue
Couples in love may find that they are financially in tune, too. But it is important to find out at an early stage whether you are with a spender or a saver, particularly if you plan to open a joint account. If you or your partner has debts, now is the time to own up so that you can formulate a plan for repayment. You don't have to feel responsible for someone else's debt but you could help each other be disciplined about paying them off and getting your finances straight. Hiding loans and credit card bills from your partner will lead to stress. The other good reason for this is that if one of you has a poor credit history, there is a chance it will affect the credit rating of anyone living at the same address. Get copies of your credit reference files to see the full picture.
Research by Payplan, a free debt advice and management provider, showed that almost two in five couples blamed money issues as a significant factor in breaking up their relationship. And more than half the respondents said they would postpone or cancel the wedding if they found out that their mate was £30,000 or more in debt.
Team work
Compromise is key. Whether it's the blue paint or the green, Chinese or Indian takeaway, we all have to learn to love - or at least respect - the likes and dislikes of our partner. The same applies to money and how they spend it. Providing they are not breaking their side of the bargain on the plans you have agreed together, then they will probably spend a certain amount of disposable income on things they enjoy. If your husband blows some of his savings on football or fishing or if your wife decides she needs another pair of shoes then who are you to argue.
Turn a threesome into a foursome
Julia Cole of Relate recommends a 'four accounts' system as a way of giving both individual freedom and a joint commitment. Each partner has their own individual account and their own amount of money to spend on whatever they want ('otherwise you feel you have lost yourself somehow'), and then there is a joint savings account and a joint account for shared outgoings such as the mortgage and food. The 'four accounts' approach is a very practical solution. But couples need to decide which particular formula suits them.
